Check, please?

Ok, while driving around with my mother today and after working the overnight shift with little sleep, I had an epiphany.

I could be a waitress at a strip club.  Or at least a cocktail waitress.

Brillant right?  I have an ok looking face and a body I could hide under some sexy clothing.  Imagine the tips I could bring home and stories I could tell of my colorful side job.

Of course, my husband freaked out.  He suddenly had images of men groping and grabbing all over me and trying to smack my ass while I work.  It was then that we came up with a plan to, supposedly, keep me safe.

Jeremy could be my bouncer.
"No one is going to tip you with some guy following you around"
Jeremy can shake down anyone that tries to stiff my tips.  Damn them.

I would still be fully clothed.
"The waitresses have to be topless too ya know."
As the waitress, I'm not the one they're paying to come see.  Plus if they're not sitting next to the stage, they're too drunk to know if my boobs are hanging out or not.

I could carry a taser.
"You can't taser your customers Kristina.  Then they won't pay you."
I'll taser them after they pay.  More of like a 'lesson learned'.

Just give them a good tase and send them out the door.  And don't forget to add "Y'all come back now!"

Trust me...I so have this covered.

30 Week Picture Challenge - Week 4

I know I'm late posting this week.  Jeez

A picture of your favorite night

I didn't have a picture to go with my story, so thank you Corbis Images for letting me borrow it

Ok, way back when I was still in high school, many of my friends knew of my off/on relationship with my now husband.  Yeah, it was a real roller coaster of fun...

Anyways, my senior year I was still a school nerd and went to the Homecoming dance that they held in the cafeteria after the football game.  I hung out with Freddie and Wanda and was having an ok time.   Wouldn't you know it Jeremy would happen to walk through the door at that moment, and on the arm of another girl!  I was determined to ignore him, but for some reason he wouldn't let me.  By the end of the night I was waiting in the school parking lot for my aunt to come pick me up.  Jeremy offers me a ride home, but I refused and reminded him that he came with someone else.  He walked up to the little skank, said something to her, and then she punched him in the chest before storming off with her friends. He then told me he was free for the night.

At that moment my aunt drove up to take me home.  She saw Jeremy and I talking and gave me "the eye".  I told her that he had offered to drive me home and she smiled at me.  She told me my mother wasn't home so I could go hang out with Jeremy for the rest of the night.  I was reluctant at first, but eventually agreed at the thought of being alone with Jeremy.  My aunt drove off and Jeremy and I hung out at the school a little longer.  We soon left and started toward my house.

When we finally reach the dirt road that led to my house Jeremy pulls over under a lone street light and parks the car (oh great, right?).  He then blares the radio and practically drags me out of the car.  We're both standing by the driver's side door when he starts to sway back and forth with me.  Confused, I asked him what he was doing.

"Since I didn't get to dance with you at the actual dance, I figured I would get the last dance here."
"You don't always get the last dance, ya know."

"Yes I do."

So we danced/hobbled right there on this dirt road in the middle of the night. I don't remember what song was playing, but I know it seemed to go on forever.  Maybe I was too busy questioning his motives or thinking something was going to attack my leg at any moment.  I know when it was over Jeremy kissed and told me he loved me; swore we would be together of course.  We then got back into his truck and dropped me off for the night.  It was late, but the rest of my family was still up.  I didn't feel like talking and just went straight to my room.  My mom wasn't back from her date yet so I was alone and thought about my night.

I hung out with a boy. Alone.  In his car.  Past curfew.  And he so wanted me.  Ha!

So, long story shortened, this was one of my favorite night because it was one of the first events that got Jeremy and I back together for good.  It wasn't long after this we started to get serious and end up where we are today.  Not to mention this was one of the first nghts I got to go out and be a teenager.  I went to a dance and rode home with a boy and we stayed out past curfew.  I felt like I had lived! (I know that's pretty sad but I had a sheltered high school life)

Food Lovers Rejoice

I'm following the blog "Eat The Damn Cake" because I love how open she is about food and her body quirks.  I also love her style of writing.

Her latest entry is pretty awesome, so I hope you go check it out: http://www.eatthedamncake.com/2011/02/16/women-eating-cake/

She has also helped start a project Women Eating Cake which has pictures of women eating cakes and expressing how it makes them feel.  I want to add my picture with them....but I don't have any cake at home *sad face*
http://womeneatingcake.tumblr.com/

Definetly check them both out.

30 Week Picture Challenge - Week 3

A picture of the cast from your favorite show

Law and Order SVU is the shiz-nat!

I have watched this show for the past few years and can even still watch the reruns without getting tired of it.  I like the casting better in SVU than the other Law and Order shows.   I love that the two main characters do not steal the show and that every character has a part to put in.   I've always enjoyed watching how the character progress and slowly show more of themselves throughout the seasons.  I only have one season on DVD (and yes have memorized them all) but I hope to have them all.

Being known as the prude I am it surprises even me that I would love this show so much.  No, the good guys don't always win.  No, they don't always catch the perp.  But DAMN it sure makes for a good show.

Wipe Away the Tear and Go Eat a Brownie

"Pretty, pretty please

Dont you ever, ever feel

Like you're less than

Fucking perfect"

- Pink

 

I'm sorry Pink but I already feel that way.

 

Ok, I can lay it out there.  I act like a tough guy.  I can act like things don't bother me; like I don't hear the mean words and evil stares.  Only my husband gets the satisfaction of seeing me come home and bawl my eyes out.  Then I get angry at myself for showing my weakness and then turn on my bitch mode again.

I recently posted about how much I detest this new diet fad the world (and my family) is going through.  I thought after that people would understand that it's not about how you look or how you enjoy food but about living your life without fear of gaining pounds because there is somewhere there to love you anyway.  I don't mind being fat; I don't even fear it.  I do mind the negative attitude I get for feeling that way.

But somehow, I still get comments about what I'm eating and how I may/may not look like one day.

Does it make people feel better to tell me to stop eating the double cheeseburger?

Does it make them feel powerful by telling me to stop gorging myself?

Does it make them feel like they made a difference by telling me I'm doomed to be a fat cow for the rest of my life?

Well I'm glad they got to say their opinions and feel better about themselves while making me feel like shit in the process.  You get to be right while I get to go home and have a good cry and then lash out at my husband (poor guy).

I can only finish this post by turning on my bitch mode and leaving you with this:

Next time I order the double bacon burger with extra cheese and extra fries or I say I'm eating Rocky Road ice cream in bed DON'T SAY A FUCKING WORD and let me live my life.

30 Week Picture Challenge - Week 2

A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest

I don't have Photoshop on this computer so I know it is a crappy crop job.

Ok the obvious answer would be that I have been closest to my mom for the longest time; but family doesn't count since you can't choose them and are pretty much stuck with them.

I have three friends that I have been chosen to be closest to for the longest time.  Of course that's why they were part of my wedding party. 

I have known Sharla (the one on the far right) since I was in the second grade.  As my best friend, we spent many nights at slumber parties, through countless movies, shared diaries and doctor visits.  Though one of us would move away we were always able to come back together.  We're not very close now, but I hope we can fix that.  Besides, who else am I going to find that can quote the first 4 seasons of Southpark with me?

I met Casi (on my immediate right) in the 8th grade when she first moved to Chapel Hill.  Though we had a group of friends we hung out with,  I always felt closest to her and mostly confided in her through my 'Josh phase' and was almost my accomplice in TPing his house.  I had a lot of classes with her in high school and joined some of the same clubs/activities.  We shared pretty much every AP class together.  I'm jealous that she has got to travel after high school, but sad that she isn't in town more often.I like the fact that she still sees me as somewhat normal even after knowing me all this time.

Becca (on my left) was kind of stuck with me since my 9th grade year since there was no one else to partner up with in French class.  I met her right before meeting my husband, so she got to hear the most of how much I loved/hated/wanted to kill him phases.  She is the only one who wouldn't tell me if I should/should not be with him because she just kept saying "follow your heart".  We had French class together for two years, spent many Sundays in the prayer room goofing off and fun chasing pigeons in France.  She's all grown up and has her own life now, but it's still nice when we get together and reminisce about the glory days.



I'm hoping in the years to come these ladies will still be the ones I've been closest to for the longest.  Let's face it...I suck at making friends these days.  These three get that...and have somewhat accepted that.

30 Week Picture Challenege - Week 1

A picture of yourself with 10 facts

1.  I am a total food-y person.

2.  I love my fat cat to pieces.

3.  I am so not a people person, even though I work in customer service.

4.  I want to own a house that has my own crafting room.

5.  I cry everytime I watch The Little Mermaid.

6.  I'm looking forward to taking my first cruise soon.

7.  I have so many ideas for novels that I want to write, but have no idea where to begin.

8.  I never believe my husband when he says I'm beautiful, but I still love hearing it.

9.  My favorite music is music from the 90s

10.  I often wonder why I'm the black sheep of the family.

The Diet Fad

Everyone I know is on a diet.

No carbs.  No starches.  No fats. No sugars.  No meat.

NO NO NO NO NO NO

That's the only word I hear with diets. No to this and no to that.

I weigh 160 pounds and my BMI is 29.  At 5' 2" I'm considered obese.  Yay.  But even with that knowledge, and knowing that my doctor constantly nags me about losing the extra pounds, I refuse to diet.
Maybe it's because I hate rejection, and hate hearing someone tell me "No you can't have that" (which probably makes me a little spoiled too).  Maybe it's because now that I'm an adult I keep telling myself  "I can eat what I want when I want!"  No freaky vegetables or mystery meat on my plate now...

For dinner tonight I had a 6"sub from Subway, smothered in mayo and cheese, and a bowl or tortellini soup that a coworker made.  They're both awesome.

So why would I tell myself that I cannot eat these things?  Why would I tell myself I don't deserve to eat my favorite things like pasta, potatoes, cakes or cookies and even the occasional (sometimes frequent) cheeseburger?  My husband loves me for who I am (and is probably my biggest enabler) regardless of my size.  I don't want to impress anybody.  I don't care to fit into the dress size I wore in high school.  My health is not in danger (although it could be better  ha ha) and I can still walk from the back of the Wal-Mart parking lot to the front door without passing out.

Both sides of my family are big.  As I've said before, I've given in to genetics.  Why fight the ineitable?  Why would I kill myself trying to fight something off only to defeated in the end?  My grandma is a big woman, but my grandpa loved her with everything he had.  I know my husband loves me, even though I can out-eat him 2:1.  As long as he loves me and is willing to make sure I can still get out of bed in the morning, I don't care what size I am, or could be.

Since everyone in the office is talking of dieting and their new plans, one of them asked me when I was going to 'jump on the dieting bandwagon'.  They laugh about the fact that you can't spell 'diet' without the word 'die'.  I told them I'd rather die downing a double Baconator from Wendy's then die of starvation dieting while nibbling on a carrot.

I have a sudden hankering for a brownie....and not the fat free/sugar free/gluten free kind.

Snowed In

I personally love the cold weather our small town has been getting lately.  When you live in Texas, anything under 70 degrees is a relief.  We've actually gotten real snow these past few years (the kind that sticks and you can build a snowman out of), which has made me feel like a kid all over again.  I love stomping through it and taking pictures of things blanketed in white.

But once the temperature gets below 40 degrees and the wind starts blowing, that's when the townspeople start to panic. I know we don't see this kind of weather often, but it's no reason to break out into chaos over it.  Every Wal-Mart/Brookshires/Grocery is packed with last minute shoppers who think they will be snowed into their home.  I guess no one saw the weather forecast three days ago...since they all decided to buy supplies at the last minute...and at the same time...

But the one thing you never do in cold weather in Texas is drive.  Let's face it, no one in this town knows how to drive on ice/snow.  I know you have to get to work and probably to Wal-Mart for those last minute things I just mentioned, but please make sure you take someone with you who knows how to drive in these conditions.  We need people from the northern states to come down her and teach us how they do it year round up there.  We think we have it so bad because we've had snow for 2 days?  Just imagine having it 6-8 months out of the year!

I guess I'm just amazed at how crazy a town can get....over snow. 

No, it is not the end of the world. 

No, God is not punishing us by making it colder.

No, it will not last forever.

So please...could everyone just calm down....have some cocoa and go build a snowman.  Stop panicing about canned goods and flashlights.  You will still be able to leave your home and, yes, you still have to go to work.  Just be glad you don't live in Alaska or something.