A picture and a letter
Dear Papaw,
Straight out the gate I'll say that I miss you. I feel like this family has fallen to pieces without you. Everybody tiptoes around with big grins on their face and try to forget that it's just one more Easter/Fourth of July/Thanksgiving/Christmas without you. It sucks, but they say life goes on.
I'm married now, but with no children. We have a small house, but lots of debt. Sure wish you were here to tell me how to enjoy the finer things in life and always rely on family that loves you. I have very few pictures of you, which makes me kick myself for not taking more pictures while I could. I have a small business, but it's not much right now. I got a degree in junior college, but haven't put it to use yet. Could you tell me the story again about how important education is and how to apply it in life?
I know you're watching over all of us. Jeremy says you're even closer than I can imagine, but I guess I'm too stubborn to believe. Is that why the dog barks in the middle of the night or the cat suddenly fluffs up? Stop scaring Scrat. He's my spirit guardian and I don't think he knows who you are yet. Maybe if you rattle the food bowl in the dark he'll come around. Are you up there laughing with Jeremy's mom? I never got to meet her but I worry about what she would have thought about me if we ever did meet. Try to make me look good to her and let her know I'm taking care of her little boy.
I have too many emotions to write a clear, level-headed letter right now. I have things to I want to say and then some off the wall thought seems to type out instead.
I can't say enough that I miss you and wish you were still with us. I wish you could have seen your grandkids grow up (and even meet your great-grandkids). I get excited when I hear Uncle Jimmy laugh because if I close my eyes hard enough I can almost believe it's you standing by the grill. I haven't got a chance to try that on Uncle Mike yet. Oh yeah and thanks for sending those dollar bills I found on the ground (they say angels send pennies but I know you send the big stuff). I like to tell Jeremy that you've sent me money that day.
I'm sure I have more to say, but the sun is coming up, and I should say what I need to....if I only knew what that was.
As I'm writing this I can't tell what I am supposed to feel. I smile when I think of our memories and the woobie of yours I have stashed away in the closet. Of course I'm sad when I think about another summer without your grilled burgers or another Christmas without hearing you read The Night Before Christmas to me. I'm sad in knowing that you never got to meet Jeremy or be there at mine and my sister's wedding. But then again I'm angry at letting myself type this thing out between tears and sad songs that seem to keep playing on my iPod. And, frankly, I'm angry that you are gone. Damn it to hell that out of all of the people in the world and out of all of the shitty things to happen, you had to leave. You had to be the one to go. You couldn't have argued with God a little more? I don't care how anyone puts it. I will never understand and I will never accept it.
I wish they had cell phones in Heaven so I could text you everyday. I'm sure they have unlimited texts in Heaven too.
Love, Little Dingleberry
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