30 Week Picture Challenge - Week 22

A picture of something you wish you were better at

I got this from http://www.rachelwilkerson.com/, which has some really great articles on life and such.  Definitely check it out.

Honestly, I wish I was better at accepting compliments from others and accepting the good in myself.

I have a horrbile habit of brushing off anyone's compliments that come my way.  Don't get me wrong; I absolutley love hearing them, but then the little voice in me says something like "Pfft No big deal" or "They're just saying that because they have to."  I can never accept that their nice words are genuine or even sincere.  It always feels like a mean joke or a gag or something.

Growing up I received compliments from my family, mostly about my school work and artsy stuff.  While I was glad to get the attention and liked hearing their nice words, it always felt fake or somewhat forced.  Like the feeling of "well they're family, of COURSE they're going to say how great you are."  I never could separate the two or just to go with it.

In school I had teachers that complimented my grades or would show off my papers to the class or get invitations to receive some award or what not. While it felt good to bask in my own glory about it, this kind of attention often got me the stink eye from other classmates.  They would stare me down and look at me like I'd done something wrong.  Later they would make fun of me or treat me like I was now supposed to know everything now.  I then began to see that these kind of compliments and special attention was only making me feel worse than better.  I still did my best in my work, but instead of taking in my teachers' preaises, I would just try to hide in the background or hope that I could be included in a group rather than singled out.

Even now at work I've learned to ignore any praise given to me.  I used to feel proud about myself when I would do something good, but since I have friends in management people just say I'm being treated special and only got to where I am because of who I know.  Now, the praise seems forced.  I'll always believe there is some ulterior motive to things or that they are just saying nice things because they're my friends.  Ugh.

My poor husband has received the worst of this problem.  Everyday he tells me I'm beautiful or mentions how great I look.  I've recently started dieting and of course he says the time old phrase "You don't need to diet.  I love you the way you are."  I've learned to ignore these compliments so much through life that his words just roll off me.  It annoys the crap out of him, but I can't find ways to explain it. 

It's like the Wal-Mart greeters...they say hello and tell you to have a nice day, but they don't mean it!  They could care less if you have a great day but they'll damn sure say it because it's their job!

Luckily he bears with me and just keeps right on saying these things.  Everyone else will just have to deal because I don't know what I can do to better myself at this.  How do you change years worth of molding?

I can only leave you with a famous line from Pretty Woman...

Vivian: People put you down enough, you start to believe it.
Edward Lewis: I think you are a very bright, very special woman.
Vivian: The bad stuff is easier to believe. You ever notice that?